Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
