we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
