If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We don't watch enough power rangers
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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