Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
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Do I have a choice?
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Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
