she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
40s are totally the cure
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
