Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
