Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize