Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
