he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
