I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
