So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He shit in the fireplace
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
