great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
