My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
