i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
