i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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