just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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