Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
