so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
