so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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