...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
