She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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