Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Those nachos came to me in a dream
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
