i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
