My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just want nice things and good sex
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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