meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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