i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
