i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
