we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
