She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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