my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
