i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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