i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize