I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
