yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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