my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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