either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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