Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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