Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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