I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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