We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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