I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
