I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
