Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
