see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
