I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
