i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That accounts for only three of the penises
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
