I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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