Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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