And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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