She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
