Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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