my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
