mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
