Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sorry about my life...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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