I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
