In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize