he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
