I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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