Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
