Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
