I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
